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Starting from the Beginning

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Hi!  My name is Jennifer and I am 19 years young.  I am a newbie to this blogging world, but I am super excited to try something new! I really just wanted a space where I can express myself, share some of my stories and hopefully help people along the way.  I know I may seem young to some people, but I have been through a lot during my nineteen years of living.

I am currently a sophomore in college and my goal is to get my Master’s Degree in Psychology.  My focus is Marriage Family Therapy with an emphasis on counseling teens dealing with depression and suicide.  I personally struggle with depression and have since around my sophomore year of high school.  My hope is to be able to help others through my experiences and be able to relate to them.

My goal through this blog is to share some of my stories and poems in hopes of shedding light to those who may be living in a very dark world.  Believe me, I understand what it feels like to just want to give up and throw in the towel.  Those days, weeks, or even months, where everything that can go wrong, does go wrong. But I also understand that there is a light at the end of even the darkest of tunnels.  I also love giving advice and helping others, so if you have any questions or need any help, please feel free to leave a comment below!

-Jen

An Xbox Love Story

Over 7 years ago, I met a person on xbox and I never thought that this individual would impact my life the way they did.


When I was in middle school/junior high, I dealt with a lot of petty friendship drama and had a lot of people turn against me from idiotic rumors that spread like wildfire amongst my peers.  There were times where I would find myself sitting alone on a planter waiting for my classes to start and finish so that I could go home and get on xbox.

One day after school, I decided to play my favorite game at the time, Halo Reach ❤ Halo Reach was my outlet and I had met a lot of friends through that game.

Not going to lie, my gamertag caused many to try and add me on xbox.  My gamertag was and still is, That1AznGirl (smart, I know hahah).  My brother and I had decided on that name when I got my first xbox live account.  I did not realize how much attention I would gain from my gamertag at first, because I was super naive and did not realize that “girls didn’t play video games”, since I grew up playing video games with my brother.  Video games were second nature to me! So shoutout to my brother for introducing me to them!

Anyways! So one day after school I decided to play team death-match on Halo and solo queue.  After the match ended and I had gotten my ass handed to me, one of the guys on the other team sent me an invite to his xbox live party chat.  I was hesitant at first to join, but curiosity got the best of me and I joined the party.  There were a couple of voices and each voice was shocked to hear a girl respond to their inquiries.  The party was a bit hectic but one voice in particular stood out to me and it came from the gamertag BillyBobJoeJr (Name has been changed for privacy reasons).

BillyBobJoeJr’s voice was unique and I absolutely loved it.  His voice was deep and had a tone to it that I have never heard before.  I tried to talk to him specifically most of the time and then added him as a friend later on.  We would soon find ourselves playing halo with each other and talking in xbox chat parties.

I looked forward to talking and playing with him everyday after school.  He soon became one of my best friends.

Fast forward 6 or so years later, we were still in touch and although there were some rocky moments in our friendship, I always found myself coming back to him.

BillyBobJoeJr quickly became someone I would compare all my other relationships to.  No one was like him and I was never able to find some one I could banter with like I could with him; it was then that I realized I was falling for a guy I met on xbox.

Within those years, we added each other on Facebook and had exchanged phone numbers. * Side Note: When I first saw what he looked like on Facebook, my heart skipped a few beats.  In other words, I thought he was the cat’s meow 🙂 * Despite the hardships that I had mentioned earlier, he had never left my side.

We were really good friends and I did not think much of it. We would flirt here and there and have hour long phone calls and video chats, but he lives across the country.


Throughout my high school and college years, I continued to date and dump people (WOW that sounds horrible hahah to be fair, I had only dated a couple of people throughout all those years and they did not last) because I was never truly happy in any of those relationships.


Towards the end of 2016 and beginning of 2017 is when our relationship started to change.  I found myself falling for him more and more each time we spoke.  My goal was to meet him in person after all these years. I had planned to go out to South Carolina next year if I got accepted into an internship position in Virginia, BUT something wild came over me and I told my mother that I wanted to meet BillyBobJoeJr this summer.

My mom had known about our friendship and she thought he was a really good guy, so she helped me make my dream a reality.  About 10 weeks ago, I got on my laptop and looked up flights to South Carolina.  I ended up booking a flight and a hotel for the last week/very beginning of July and August.

After I had booked my flight, I called BillyBobJoeJr (AKA Mark) and told him that I was able to be out there in 8 weeks.  We were both in disbelief.

Also, I had just started summer school and would leave for this trip the Sunday after my classes ended. Needless to say, it was extremely hard to focus on anything school related.

Each week passed painfully slow and each day I became more and more anxious.  We had talked about a potential relationship before, but we never really thought anything of it because we had never met each other.

When I told some friends of mine what I was doing, many of them thought I was insane and one friend told me I would end up on the show “48 Hours”.  They could not fully understand the type of relationship Mark and I had.  I went into this journey solo with my heart tucked in my sleeve.

The week before I was about to leave, I could not help but continue to ask him if he wanted me to go out there.  After many discussions and texts, we decided that it was final: I would be getting on a plane and flying across the country.


Sunday July 30, 2017

This was it, I was leaving tonight to go to the airport and fly across the country by myself to meet a guy I have never met in person.

Am I completely insane???? Probably

I had a few friends visit me that day to help calm my nerves before heading to the airport.

10:15 P.M.

I am getting in my sister’s car to head to the airport with her and my mom.  I was unusually quiet the whole way there.  My palms were starting to sweat and I could feel my heart beating a little faster in my chest.

11:15 P.M.

I finally make it to the airport and give my mom one last hug before they start their journey back home and before I started my journey across the country.

12:45 A.M.

I am walking through the gate that leads to a plane taking me to Dallas/Fortworth, Texas.

6:23 A.M

After a sleepless flight, I had finally made it to Dallas for a 5 hour layover.  During this layover, I was able to meet another xbox friend and chill with them for a bit.  Ericaroo, if you ever happen to read this, thank you for coming to the airport to hang out with me!

July 31, 2017

2:43 P.M.

This is it. I finally landed in North Charleston.  I received a text from Mark telling me that he was at the airport.  I nervously got off the plane and walked through the airport to the baggage claim area.  I don’t see him.

As I awaited nervously for my bag, I kept my eyes peeled for him.

3:00 P.M

I finally grab my bag and my phone starts vibrating. I look down at my phone and the contact “Muffin Man” appeared on my screen….it was him.

“Hello?” I answered anxiously

“Wow this topiary is sooooo green!” was the response on the other side

“What the F*ck?!” was what I was thinking when I heard those words escape from his mouth.

“Ummm what?! Are you here!??? Are you in the baggage claim area????” I began to question him

“Wow these plants are soooooo greeeennnn”

-___-   <— My face

As I continued to look around frantically, I noticed that there were topiaries around the baggage claim area.

OH MY GOSH HE PROBABLY SEES ME RIGHT NOW

“ARE YOU BEHIND ME?” I asked frantically

“I don’t know, am I?” I hear from the other side.

I finally got the courage to turn around and there he was….touching the leaves on the topiary  -.-

I dropped my duffle bag and scurried my way into his arms.

I buried my head into his chest and all I could say was…. “You’re Real”


We left the airport and as we walked to his car, we would exchange glances at each other.  I even poked him every few minutes to make sure he was there and I wasn’t dreaming. Then he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and I wrapped mine around his back and we walked intertwined all the way to his car.

When we finally got into the hotel room, he sat on the bed next to me and said, “Hey, I never got that kiss that you promised you’d give to me at the airport.”

0.0    <.<    >.>

“Oh? I thought you didn’t want it” was my smart ass remark.

I have kissed a few people here and there before, but I never understood what people were talking about when they said that you can feel a spark or connection with a kiss, until I kissed Mark.

That kiss was unlike any other kiss I have ever had.

The next few days were something out of a fairy tale.

We went to the beach at night and watched the waves dance under the moonlight and he would grab my waist from behind and hug me.  OH! I also forgot to mention that he is around 6 ft 1″ and I’m 5″5 sooooo he could easily rest his chin upon my head.

We spent a lot of time cuddling and watching anime and just enjoyed each others presence.

There were many times where I would catch myself staring at him with admiration while he was driving or just watching a show in our hotel room.

I remember laying beside him and staring into his eyes.  It was then that I knew, I had found my soulmate.


The last night I was there and the next couple days to follow were the hardest days I have yet to encounter in my life.

I was to leave for the airport at 5:30 A.M. August 3rd.


The night before I was to leave, we spent it hand in hand.

We started the night dancing to “Descpacito” (the JB version) and “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran.  I have no rhythm and it was very evident, but he was sweet and took the lead and also dipped me a couple times (I was impressed….Fricken getting Dirty Dancing up in this business lol).

After we danced we did other silly and cute things like me giving him a piggy back ride to the ice machine and doing front flips on the bed.

Then we later realized that there was a storm going on outside.  It was raining with lightning and thunder.  It was then that we laid in bed and listened to the song that absolutely ruined me, “Got You on My Mind” by NF.  I laid on his chest, his arms around me as we listened to that song play on Pandora.  It was then that I started to cry and he did as well.  The realization that this would all end in the matter of a couple of hours was painful.

When the time finally came, we drove to the airport in silence.  Tears slowly dripping down my face.

Saying goodbye to Mark was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.  I sobbed uncontrollably as I walked into the airport not being able to turn around to see him drive off.

The next few hours and days to follow I found myself crying and blubbering like an idiot, whether it was in the privacy of my room or in my car.


I HAVE NEVER FELT A WORSE PAIN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. I left my heart in Charleston.  There was and still is an indescribable pain that I feel in my chest/heart.  I feel as if it hurts to breathe sometimes.


It wasn’t until after I got back home that we decided to make things “Official”.

We are now in a long distance relationship, but I could not be happier, for I have found my person.


There are a multitude of details that were left out and a lot of backstory that was left out as well because if I added everything I wanted to, I would actually have a full blown novel on my hands….ooops lol

BUT I hope to continue filling you all in on our journey and I am sorry I haven’t posted in a while.

May God Bless and Watch Over YOU Always ❤

-Jen

 

Hi….Is That So Hard?

Okayyy time for a salty rant.

My absolute pet peeve is when people do not reply to me.

I understand that people get busy sometimes, but how hard is it to send a simple message saying “Hey! Sorry, I’m busy right now”?????

ALSO, if you tell me that you are interested in me, do not ignore me, especially if you have read receipt on.  If you find that I’m not the right person for you, I’d rather you tell me than be a complete fucker and ghost me.  I’m done dealing with childish individuals.  I need a REAL man or woman in my life who will respect me and give me the same amount of affection that I give.

I over think everything in my life enough, I don’t need a person making it more complicated by giving me mixed signals or just being a complete ass.

*sigh*

May God bless and watch over YOU always

Jen ❤

 

My Incessant Battle

There goes another minute of my life…..another face passing me by…..another feeling I can’t deny.

Depression…God I hate that word….I hate the people that use it interchangeably with the feeling of sadness…I hate the stigma that surrounds it….I hate the feeling of being bounded.

Depression isn’t just sadness, it’s the feeling of hopelessness all around you, it’s the feeling of not being able to stop the suicidal thoughts without the consequences to stop you, it’s the feeling of heaviness upon your chest that suffocates you and leaves you voiceless.

Depression is an incessant battle that I face everyday of my life.

Some days are better than others, but sometimes there are weeks or months that seem like I will forever remain in the black hole that holds all my regrets and the feeling of despair.

It causes me to never want to love again. It causes me to feel like a burden to every one of my friends; so I hide. I hide away the feeling I feel inside me. I put on the fake smile and force out fake laughs. I manage to pull out words from the very pit of my being so no questions how I’m feeling.

Ugh, love. I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to love anymore. I don’t want to give anymore of my broken and stitched up heart.  I want to put a chain around it and throw away the key meant to unbound it.

I’m done and tired of feeling used. I’m tired of friendships that become fake and bruised. I’m tired of pushing everyone away so why not make it so I have no one to push away?

I’m tired and worn. I’m also sick and tired of eating my feelings away without caring in the moment and then wanting to purge and cry afterwards.  I am in the state of hating what I see in the mirror. Doubting who I am and the person I want to become.  I just need a day to not see or talk to anyone. I just want to disappear. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and rip away at the skin underneath my clothes….

I just need sleep. A time to breathe. A time to feel pure bliss.


I really needed to vent today. I’m sorry that things turned dark real fast. I’m just having one of those weeks and it doesn’t help that I am amongst finals for college right now.

If anyone happens to feel or have felt the way that I do, please feel free to like this post and if you’re brave enough, comment below. You’re obviously not alone.

May God Bless and Watch Over YOU Always ❤

-Jen

I’ve Found a Life

I’ve found a life that has been waiting for me.

I’ve found a key that was planted underground, beneath the trees.

The key, however is only a tool. A minute piece to the puzzle that leads to the truth.

Now I must find where the key fits and unlock the secrets that for now, will remain as myths.


Hello everyone!

So I am aware that my last couple of posts have been a little heavy, but I am here to tell you all that everything is okay.  Sometimes life gets us down and I have been dealing with (what seems like) a never ending battle!

Between school, relationships, and family matters, I feel like my head has not stopped spinning since the middle of April. These past few weeks have been absolutely INSANE. Luckily,  I have managed to keep my head above the water.

I have realized that I have an amazing support system and many people who love and care about me.

One person in particular is a woman I met in my ASL class.  She is the sweetest and most amazing women (other than my mom) that I have ever met.  She has been an absolute blessing in my life and has ultimately become one of my best friends ❤ Not only does she open her house up to me, but she also opens up her heart and arms that provide a warm embrace.  She is also a hoot and a half 🙂


I am now in my last two weeks of the spring semester and my classes have gone from 0-100 real quick. I also have Jill’s House to do this weekend. Pray for me!

Once finals end, I have about a week and a half before my 8 week summer course starts and then a couple weeks after, my 6 week course starts.  All in all, I will have a total of three and a half weeks of summer…..woohoo?  (If I didn’t hate my community college so much, I wouldn’t have done this to myself).

Anyways, despite life being crazy, I have learned to just take a deep breath and keep on going.

I have also fully learned that people will always let you down and that the only beings you can rely on is God (if you’re religious) and in my case, my mother as well.  I am always in the process of trying to figure out how to balance different relationships in my life and to not give my heart completely.  It’s time that I start to really protect myself and as sad as it may seem, it is also time for me to lock up my heart for a bit.


Thank you to everyone who continues to read my blogs! I appreciate you all!

 

May God Bless and watch over YOU always ❤

Jen

 

 

 

It Hurts To Breathe

As soon as those bombs, that you call words dropped, my heart dropped to.

Every breath felt like I was dying,

I’d rather be asleep than awake to face the ache in my chest.

I feel lost.

I feel agony.

I thought that I was okay and deep down I know I will be, but every minute without you seems like an eternity in hell.

I understand your situation and how you feel, but I don’t understand the promises that you made to me or the ones you made me make to you.

I’d rather feel nothing than feel everything.

It hurts to breathe.

I lost the other half of me. The half that taught me how to love again. The half that consoled me and was there for me 24/7. The half that I thought I’d never lose. The half that made me love life a little bit more again.

I was the love of your life…and you were mine.

But I get it. I understand. I’m just hurt and trying my hardest to let this all mend.

Was I a fool to fall in love? To create these fantasies in my head that now haunt me in my sleep?

Despite the answer….I know that I’d rather sleep than be awake. My dreams that haunt me are better than reality because in those dreams, it doesn’t hurt to breathe.

 

-Jen

 

 

Believe Me, It Gets Better

To the little girl who was made fun of for wearing a pink puffy coat, who was called a chubby marshmallow and was taunted for the hair that grew on her arms; you are going to be okay.

To the young girl who witnessed her parents fighting and hearing her dad screech out of the drive way in anger, who watched and heard her dad yell and punch a priceless Thomas Kinkade; you may lock yourself in the bathroom and cry till tears become non-existent, but you are going to be okay.

To the preteen girl who was blamed by her father for the broken relationship her parents had, who was fat shamed by her cousins, who watched her mom fall a part from an unhappy marriage; you are going to be okay.

To the teenage girl who experienced what it is like to be ostracized from her friend group and those who were supposed to be her “best friends”, who was fat shamed by her father, who started to starve herself in order to become someone loved by everyone, who experienced a broken and unhealthy relationship, who dealt with endless racist jokes against her once proud nationality; you are going to be okay.

To the young blossoming woman who experienced absolute hell her first year of college, who came out as Bi and was once again ostracized but by her own relatives, who lost her first girlfriend out of the blue, who continues to live under the hurtful words from those whose blood flows the same, who lost her best friend of 6 years for unknown reason, who now lives with a grandmother decaying from dementia, who sees the hurt and brokenness of her mother due to the cruel words from the grandmother, who created small wounds to endlessly pick at and become so raw in order to match the hurt she felt inside, who contemplated suicide in the midst of her first year of college; you are going to be okay.

To me…Jennifer Okada (and those who can relate)… life can be cruel and people can be so ugly on the inside, but it can also bestow beautiful moments and friendships that will last a life time. It’s not going to be easy, but you have it so much better than other individuals. You are blessed with a mother and sister who care deeply for you and have friends that accept you for all that you are.  You are on a path to teach precious special needs children. You are going to be that friend you wished you had in high school. You are going to make a difference. You are beautiful. You are the daughter of a Heavenly and loving Father. You have the strength to speak your mind and fight for what is right. You are the black sheep that will no longer be ostracized. You are beautifully broken and patched together. You made it 21 years. You are going to be okay,

Because believe me, it gets better.

May God bless and watch over YOU always ❤

-Jen

Bye Bye Bumble

Dating apps… Relationships…Single Life…

For those of you who don’t know, Bumble is a dating app. It is very similar to Tinder, but Bumble allows girls to make the “first move”. Guys cannot send messages or pics without the girl messaging first.

I’m going to be real with you all, I have tried other dating apps such as Badoo, Tinder (for less than a day), and Christian Mingle (hehehe jk), but….

TODAY, I decided that I am done with dating apps.  :O

I realized that I used dating apps to prove to myself that guys would find me “attractive” or “pretty”. I used these apps for validation. I put my self worth into complete strangers (some of which were complete dicks).  I put my self worth into men who wanted a one night stand. I put my self worth into boys who didn’t even know who they were yet.

I’m not going to lie, I have met a couple of gems that I still talk to this day.  I have made a couple of neat friends, but I decided that apps aren’t for me when it comes to finding a true and honest relationship.  I totally understand that some people find “true love” through these apps and I give them credit and congratulate those people!


If dating apps work for you, then by all means continue to use them. This is just my opinion.


Words….you never really understand how worthless words are compared to actions until you have been given the grand speech guys think  you want to hear.  Due to my up bringing, I am an individual who does not believe in sex before marriage…with that being said, when most guys find that out, they try and say the dearest and most poetic things to me in order to try and get a “simple” date with them because they find me “different” and “refreshing”.  Thankfully I have been smart enough to drag things out and find out their true colors before a first meeting.

Fun fact: I have only met 1 person in person from these dating apps

I have decided that this year is going to be a year of ME.  I am going to focus on MYSELF and truly find what it means to be happy by MYSELF.

Do I have moments of panic when I think about how old I am in relation to others who are getting married and starting a family? Yes, yes I do. But I need to remind myself that I am not those people and my life story is going to be different than theirs.  I need to remind myself to trust in this God that I have been learning about since before I can remember.

I got this…and if you happen to be in the same boat as me, YOU got this too.  We can go along this journey together ❤

Remember that each one of you are loved and cared for.


SUPER FUN FACT: As I was in the middle of writing this, one of the guys I have been talking to everyday that I met through Bumble just texted me saying, “bye”. That was it. Just “bye”. Literally my life right now.  All I can do is laugh because in all honesty he was too much of a child for me.


May God bless and watch over YOU always ❤

-Jen

What Year Is It?!?!

WOAH….okay….so apparently the last time I posted was in August…my bad everyone.

NOW I AM HOURS AWAY FROM 2017????

Where has the time gone? What have I done with my life? What is going on????????????

I feel like everywhere I turned this past year I was faced with horrific news. From hundreds of thousands of people dying from wars and shootings, to Trump becoming the President of the US (and finding out that my own father and relatives voted for him). There has been so much hatred, racism, sexism, and just plain trash strewn about 2016. Not to mention all the deaths of some of our beloved musicians, actors/actresses, and so on. I am ready to say good-bye to 2016, but in all honesty, I don’t think I’m ready for what is in store for all of us in 2017.  It is sad to hear from those I care about feeling scared and unsure about starting a new year, but I can’t say that I’m not feeling the same way. I can only hope and pray that it can be at least a 1/4 better than 2016.

This year felt extremely slow, yet fast to me….Yes, I know that doesn’t make much sense, but that is how I feel. There was not enough time to process all the events of 2016 but there was enough time for more unimaginable events to continue to occur.

Just looking back on my life in 2016, I:

  • Had gotten my first job
  • Quit my first job
  • Had my grandma move in with my family and I
  • Left college and took a gap year
  • Got into my first major car accident
  • Lost and gained precious friendships
  • Had my first Gf
  • Lost my first Gf
  • Went to San Fran and Hawaii
  • Took up figure skating again
  • Signed up for a full load of classes for the spring of 2017

But most importantly, I discovered more of myself each day that passed.  I discovered that I want to become a special needs teacher for mild to moderate high schoolers. I discovered that I want to apply for an internship in Virginia for the summer of 2018. I discovered that I deserve to be happy and appreciated. I discovered that I am eternally loved by my family and the King of all Kings.

Although I may be going into 2017 with a sickness that I can’t shake, I hope to be able to shake off all the bullsh*t of 2016.

I don’t have much more to say (and that may be due to the medicine I am taking) but I wish you all a Happy New Year and an AH-MAZING 2017.

May God Bless and Watch Over YOU ALWAYS ❤

-Jen

Hi, I’m Bi

If you have been following my blog for the past year, then you already know that i’m bisexual, but if you hadn’t been, well…now you know too 🙂

 

I am not shy about being bi (oh the rhymes, just embrace it). I am proud of who I am and I am definitely not ashamed in the least bit,however, it is always a weird situation for me when I date either sex.  Am I obligated to tell them about my sexuality?  Am I keeping a secret by not discussing it?

I always feel like I have to tell the person I am interested in or dating that I am Bi.  Am I the only one who feels like this?


BUT being bi is the least of my worries when it comes to dating.

Today was a rough day for me.  It was one of those days where I didn’t want to face life. I literally slept ALL day, but to give myself credit, I did leave my woman cave (men aren’t the only ones who get cool names for their dwellings) to go out in the world and have brunch with my family.

When I finally woke up and started my “night owl life”, I thought to myself…how could anyone love me AND my depression.  When I have my off days, I don’t want to talk to anyone or do anything.  Thankfully I do have friends that understand me on Xbox and are perfectly fine just playing games with me and not having to have a conversation.

My past relationships have been difficult and most of my significant others didn’t know that I struggle with depression and anxiety.  I mean, after 5 or so years of wearing a mask that portrays a bubbly and giggly Jen, most wouldn’t even peg me for having a mental illness.

Not only do I have off days of wanting to be a hermit, but I also have my wonderful brain that entraps me into a whirlwind of beautiful thoughts.

For example, some of these thoughts consist of,  “What if your significant other feels trapped with you, but feels too bad to say anything?” or “What if you’re just a rebound because you’re too nice and vulnerable?”, or my most favorite thought, “What if you are annoying them and they are going to get tired of you real soon?”

I feel like I am a hard person to love.  Lezbi honest,  I am needy (in the sense that I love human touch, eg:hugs and kisses, communication is super important to me, and I need validation that my person loves me for me), I am kinda crazy 🙂 , and I am my own individual who craves alone time….can you see how contradicting I am?!

I have a very strong personality, but when I love, I love deeply and vulnerably.  Some might say that I even wear my heart on my sleeve.  It’s a blessing and a curse.

This causes me to fill up the “bucket of life and love” for others, but leaves me feeling completely empty and drained.


I guess this all means that I haven’t found the right person to be with.  Hell, me being single is a fact that I haven’t found the right person haha.


 

I definitely don’t blame my bisexuality and depression/anxiety on my past relationships…in fact, I think it actually helps weed out the right person.  Anyone who can accept all my flaws is the person who deserves me.

Yes, these negative thoughts do wreak havoc when I am in a relationship, but it also makes me a little stronger each day of that relationship.

I know that no one is perfect and many have it way worse than I do.  But if you are one who struggles with life in general, just know that every day you wake up means that your time isn’t over yet and that you are meant to be breathing every breath you take.  I know getting up and out of the sanctuary of your room or what-have-you is a challenge in itself (along with breathing if you are person with asthma like myself 😉 heheh) but don’t forget that sometimes you owe it to yourself to just be.

Welp, I’m getting sleepy, so I am off to bed…..again….

May God bless and watch over YOU always ❤

-Jen

 

Better Than This

I’d like to believe that I am better than my past mistakes, but sometimes I find myself repeating the same stupid mistakes like a ruthless, endless cycle.

Doubts get the best of me.

Worries get the best of me.

Loneliness gets the best of me.

Sadness gets the best of me.

Relentless thoughts get the best of me.

 

Since I have been out of college and work, I find myself being in my head A LOT.

I know this may sound similar to my previous posts, but it’s 2 am and I cannot sleep.

I have so many different emotions and thoughts flooding my brain like an endless waterfall.

I find myself sleeping and napping more than I should throughout a given day. I discovered that it is the only way for me to stop emotions and  reckless thoughts.  Napping has almost become a toxic habit.  I used to nap a lot in college due to my depression and stress. When I came home, I tried to fix this habit by working out and staying occupied and it worked for a while but I am finding myself falling back into what feels more “comfortable.”  It is easier to sleep and avoid the world than it is to live in it with my thoughts.  My bed has become a sanctuary for my restless mind and soul, but it has also become my kryptonite.

I literally feel like a zombie.

I try and create distractions by playing  Xbox with my friends and watching movies, but once my friends leave and my movies end, I find myself in the same position that I started in.  I feel empty and I crave attention.

As I re-read that last sentence, it makes me feel icky and horrible inside, but it’s true…Since I lost my girlfriend, I find myself trying to fill that void. The void that at once was filled with joy, self confidence, and love.  I know that there should never be a void in my life because I have God and Jesus, but I’m human and I falter with those holy relationships.

I know that I am beyond blessed and that I am loved by so many, including my Holy Father.

I guess I need to work on myself and learn to be happy with me, myself, and I.  I definitely know that it is easier said than done, especially with social media and apps making it easier to connect to strangers and have someone to constantly talk to.


Maybe I should write down promises to myself.  Promises to nurture my relationship with God, to not give in to the temptations of the world, to not use people for my own selfish reasons, to not wallow in self-pity, and to not lose myself and all that I am.


If there is one thing that I could wish for, other than world peace, it would be to go back to my childlike faith and mentality.  I wish I was mentally “pure” again.  I wish to have a hunger and desire for my God and to want to learn and be spiritually fed again.  I know some of these things are possible, I just need to work at it.

 

I know many individuals do not believe in religion or a higher being (and have probably checked out from this entry by now), but honestly, to me, I don’t know where I would be without the little faith I have left.  My faith and relationship with God has, at one point, been the only reason why I am alive today.

I hope to inspire some of you to get to know my Heavenly Father, because in all reality, He is your Heavenly Father too and already loves you so much.  If He can forgive me for everything I have done, their is no doubt in my mind that He wouldn’t forgive you as well.

May God bless and watch over YOU always ❤

-Jen