2 Minutes

As I lay in bed, I stare at the digital clock that sits on a desk near my bed.  I watch as the “:” symbol in between the numbers disappears and then reappears again.  I begin to count once a minute goes by, “one”, “two”, all the way to sixty, keeping in time with the blinking of the symbol.   As I began to count again from one, after another minute goes by, I realized something….  I am never going to get back those two minutes of my life that I just wasted staring at my digital clock, seeing if sixty blinks of the symbol is exactly one minute.  Now I know you may be thinking that I am super weird, and I am not going to lie, I am, but I also realized in that moment how fast life passes by.  Time doesn’t stop and neither does life.  I am never going to get time back.  Time only moves forward and in this day and age, it seems as if time is only going by faster.

This morning lead to a new awakening.  Every moment in our lives count, whether it is good, bad, or indifferent.  Every second that goes by, we will never get back.  All we have from the past are memories that are either captured in a picture or stored in our brains.  We can choose to replay old memories or make new ones.  We can’t change what has happened in the past and we can’t predict the future.  All we have is now.  As I write this post, I begin to think about my life.  I remember the day before I turned 13 and I could not wait to be a “teenager”.  But now, I wish that I cherished being 12 more than I did.  Being 19 and heading towards 20 is scary!!! Being an adult is scary! Having massive responsibilities and growing up is…well…terrifying (HA you thought I was going to say “scary”, I am such a child).

All I know is that I cannot stop time and I can either sit back and watch life pass me by, or I can do something.  I choose to do something…anything! I want to love deeper, laugh harder, cherish every moment, let go of grudges, paint a picture, I don’t know!!! I want to live a life worth living.  I want to make a difference in this world,  I want to make people happy, I want to do something significant, and I want to live a life where I AM happy.

I am done watching time tick on by.

I am ready to do something and make every moment, every second, count.  I hope you do the same.

May God bless and watch over YOU always ❤

-Jen

Silence Speaks Louder Than Words

Many people associate silence with awkwardness, but sometimes silence is a beautiful thing that reveals the simplest, yet complex pleasures in life.

Today I got the privilege of going to Downtown Disney and Huntington Beach with one of my roommates.  We are super close and basically consider each other sisters.  My beautiful roommate and I have only known each other for a year due to being suite-mates and then roommates our freshman year of college.  Anyways, Downtown Disney is about 40 minutes away from our college and from Disney to Huntington is another half hour or so.  During the car ride we would listen to music, talk about life, and joke around with each other.  But on the way back to our apartment from Huntington Beach, which is about an hour drive, there were long moments of silence and it wasn’t awkward, it was, in a way, beautiful.  I love having those relationships where you don’t need to say or do anything and can be completely content.  Just the presence of having someone you love, near you, fills the void where words cease to exist.  Those moments I have to just sit there and smile because you know that what you have is a special friendship/relationship.

I am the type of person who enjoys silence and “me time”.  I love sitting down and reading a book in my room alone, or going for a run with me, myself, and my music.  I enjoy and appreciate those moments where you can just take everything in whether it’s big or small.

Take some time to take in silence 🙂

May God Bless and watch over YOU always!

-Jen ❤

p.s. I do not own these photos, credit goes to google heheh 🙂

Apartment Time!!!!

Before I get into this new post, I wanted to touch base on how my family get together went!

When my mom, brother, sis, and I arrived at my aunt’s house, my heart was ready to pound out of my chest.  The moment my mom turned the doorknob to the front door it was like stepping on a piece of land filled with land mines and hoping there is no explosion.  As soon as we walked in, there was a moment of brief silence and you could feel the awkwardness filling the air like helium filling a balloon.

I was greeted with hugs here and there but I could feel the tension and the judgement.  I was officially the “rainbow elephant” in the room.  After an hour or so things started to become fairly normal, but I think there will always be an unspoken judgement.  I have come to terms with this whole debacle and as long as I have my immediate family, I know I will be okay.


On a brighter side,  I finally moved into my new apartment!!!! It is the cutest thing ever and I am so happy.  I love my roommates and I love our space.  I am excited for this new school year and everything that it may hold.  I don’t know what else to say….I am still tired from moving yesterday hahah I guess I shall post a couple pics of our apartment below!

May God bless and watch over YOU always!

-Jen ❤

apart apart2 bed book table

I’m Feeling 22!

Okay, so i’m not really 22, but I do have 22 followers!!!! I don’t know what to say but thank you to all who have followed me! I did not think that my blog would even get 1 follower, besides my mom lol.  This is so awesome and I hope that my blog will continue to grow 🙂

I’m so happy right now!

So today I wanted to post some poetry that I have written.  I normally write poetry when I am dealing with breakups or hard times, so some of them are a bit depressing, but they have helped me to release a lot of what I was feeling at the time.  I love writing and I hope you all enjoy my poetry despite some of them being really serious.  My hope is that maybe you can relate to one of them. I do have more pieces, but today I think i’ll only post like 4 or 5.


I did it.  I finally did it.

“No.”

“I’m done.”

Those words saved my sanity.

Those words released me from a world of abuse and turmoil.

Those words empowered me and made me stronger.


You have hurt me to the core,

but something about you keeps me wanting more.

I can’t, I mustn’t

It will only lead to pain and tears.

I must let you go forever, not just a couple years.

This is me saying goodbye.

Goodbye to the memories, good and bad.

Goodbye to the hurt and the love that I had.


Waking up with a rage filled mind,

Wishing that I could turn back time

Anger is all I feel

And the actions that may come, I fear.


Shattered glass all over the ground, chaos is all around,

I cry and scream but there is no sound.

I beg and plead but the words don’t come out.

I’m tapped within myself.

My thoughts are my enemies,

My will to go on is nothing but a memory,

But I can’t survive the eternal hell,

So I guess I’ll trudge through this earthly one.

(This piece was written during my first year of college when my life was a living nightmare and I was extremely depressed)


I’m strong enough now.

I’ve got my girls and they are all I need.

You no longer have power over me.


May God bless and watch over YOU always ❤

-Jen

Worst Blogger Ever

So I am probably the worst blogger ever and I apologize for that.  

These past couple of months have been absolutely insane from dealing with an ex to facing family after coming out.  I have been trying really hard to better myself and put myself first for once.  I have been struggling with being content with myself and trying to burn my demons from the past.  I am also trying to become more active and healthy!

WARNING: This post is going to be pretty random and everywhere.  

Being alone bothers me.  I am honestly afraid of being alone/single for the rest of my life, but recently, I have been trying to fight this “fear”.  I have accepted the fact that I am not in control of my life, God is.  I have had some pretty crazy signs from God and He has helped me to become a stronger woman.  I have finally put my past behind me and He helped me grow stronger.  I know that He has a plan for my life, it is just a matter of putting all my faith into His plan.  I am finally learning to be content with myself and for once in my life, I actually feel genuinely happy!

Demons from my past.  One “demon” would be one of my ex boyfriends.  I was physically abused by my ex, I won’t go into detail about it, but it was something that I thought would haunt me for the rest of my life.  One night I could not sleep for the life of me and he was on my mind along with all that had happened.  The next morning, I got a text message from an unknown number, or at least I thought it was unknown.  It read, “hey. i don’t know if you want to talk to me at all. you were on my mind the other day and i just felt like i needed to talk to you.”  Once I read that text, my heart literally stopped and I knew exactly who it was.  We haven’t talked for MONTHS and it was so random that he texted me after the night I was really struggling.  I honestly did not know what to do.  I started to panic and freak out ALL over the place.  When I was finally able to compose myself, I let it ALL OUT.  I faced my fear and put everything out on the table no matter how uncomfortable I felt.  I needed to address what happened and I did.  Needless to say, I got the last word in and I was strong enough to cut off all ties FOREVER.  I now know that I don’t deserve people who make me feel bad.  I FEEL SO FREE now and I know I made the right decision!

If you have ever been in an abusive relationship, please seek help and don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself or just say no! You are not alone.  If you need any advice or help, please feel free to contact me! I may be able to set you up with some professional help or use the contact info below for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. I know how haunting and abusive, but also addicting these kind of relationships can be. PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE AND DESERVE A PERSON WHO WILL CHERISH YOU!

hotline

Living a healthier life can lead to a happier life.  I have been running three times a week.  I normally run 2-3 miles around my neighborhood.  Some days I like to go running with my brother and dad.  Getting active has helped my depression, it has helped me when I needed to clear my mind, and it’s refreshing! Believe me, your body and mind will thank you for getting up and getting out 🙂

I do not know what else to address for this post so I think I am going to end it here! I love you all and know that you are special and loved ❤

May God bless and watch over YOU always,

Jen