Who am I?

Do you ever have those days where you ask yourself, “Who am I?”  If not, I suppose you could consider yourself lucky?  I mean, it either means that you know who you are or you are content just being.  All I know is that this past summer has really got me questioning who I am.

I know that everyone makes mistakes, but most people learn from them, right?  Ugh, you would think that I would have learned from all of my past mistakes, but recently I have just been losing myself left and right.  I try to act put together and what not, but during those quiet moments, I have moments of panic and confusion.  I don’t know why I do the things that I do, or do I?  I know what I am doing and have consciously made the decision to do whatever that said thing is, but even though I know I shouldn’t, I do it anyways.  It is an endless cycle of feeling bad and confused.  All of these series of events have me asking myself,

Who the hell am I?

I used to be an innocent, school focused, motivated, determined individual, but now, I just don’t know who I am anymore.

I used to put God and family first, but lately I have been barely putting anything that significantly means anything to me first.  I have been too busy trying to please people because I know what they want from me, but when I do that, I am left feeling useless and ultimately disgusted with myself.

As this new school year approaches, my goal is to find myself again.  I need to find myself again.  I need to focus on what is important and I need to focus on myself and my relationship with God.

I need to stop saying “yes” to everything and I need to stop worrying about other people and their life decisions.  I am responsible for me and only me.  I know that may seem selfish, but the truth is, that goes for you too, unless you are a guardian of someone.  But in the end, you can’t control what other people think or do, you can only help guide and be responsible for your own actions.

I always wanted to grow up fast and be an adult, but as of right now, I would give up anything to be a carefree five year old again.  I don’t even remember the last time when I was confident in who I was and knew who I was.

I also haven’t realized how much music, certain peer groups, and social media can change you.  Some changes may be good, but some, not so much.  I think everyone should try disconnecting and unplugging themselves from everything for at least one day in their lives.  Who knows where it might lead.  You may be surprised.

Anyways, I think I am done ranting for today hahah

May God bless and watch over YOU always.

-Jen ❤