Good Riddance 2015

I honestly cannot believe that today is the last day of 2015…. Although 2016 has already started in other parts of the world, I am taking in these last few hours here in California.

This year has been filled with ups and downs and all arounds.

It is such a weird thought that I started this blogging journey this year along with changing my major and career path to saying goodbye to once meaningful relationships.

All I know is that 2015 has taught me that I am a survivor.  2015 has taught me that I am strong.  2015 has taught me that I am the only me in this world and that I should embrace that fact.

2015 has been an overall good year, but I am ready for 2016.

I am not one to make New Year’s Resolutions anymore, but one resolution that I do want to make is to not dwell or live in the past.  Even though the past has shaped me into who I am today, I am done reliving the brokenness and hurt that comes with it.  I am ready to look ahead and live in the moment.

Happy New Year and I hope you all have a blessed one!

May God Bless and watch over YOU always ❤

-Jen 🙂

 

 

 

 

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The Death of a Friendship

I apologize before hand if this post ends up turning into a rant.  This topic is something that has happened very recently in my life and I feel the need to get it off my chest and mind. With that being said, here we go!

Have you ever had a friend that felt like a brother or sister to you?  I know I have.

Last year I met a very special person who I ended up living with this past semester.  We became extremely close within a short amount of time.  It was as if we were attached at the hip.  I was always able to pick up on her emotions, it was pretty crazy.

We would do so many things and go on so many adventures together.  I sincerely loved her and would/did do anything and everything for her.  We laughed,cried, shared anger and heartache with each other almost everyday  (not all of those emotions at once….that would be insane!).

To give you an idea of how much I cared for her can be shown within this short story.

One night she was dealing with confusion and heartache and it all happened the night of my birthday.  She wanted to go running to clear her mind for a bit but by that time it was close to 1:30-2:00 in the morning and the area that we live in isn’t so safe. Instead of letting her sit and sulk on our couch, I said “get in my car and lets go for a ride.”  About 5-10 minutes into driving she said she wanted to go bowling and I said “okay, lets do it. Find a 24 hour bowling alley.”  Needless to say, the closest one to us was in Anaheim (approx. 35-45 minute drive). I remember driving and blasting our favorite and very relatable music until we arrived.  We bowled a total of 3 games and headed back home. Did I forget to mention that this was a Thursday night and we both had morning classes the next day?  I told you we were crazy!

Side note: I would also love to surprise her when she got home from work with her favorite pastries every so often or when she had had a bad day.

We simply got each other.  She knew more about me than any other friend that I had ever had and at one point, it felt as if my life was going to be okay.  I would get so excited when she would come home from class or work.  I would be excited just to be around her and laugh till our stomachs hurt.

But all of that changed…All because of a guy (typical, am I right?).

Now before I begin the second part of this entry, I would like to add that we have had a couple issues in the past.  One example would be going after a guy after she told me I could try and talk to him because I expressed that he was kind of cute and sweet.  They ended up “dating” and that guy never texted me back or acknowledged me because he was content with my roommate. He ended up being a jackass in my opinion, but it did not phase her.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

Continuing on…SO there was this guy (we shall call him Robin) and he really liked my roommate and my roommate really liked him.  They were talking for a while last year and things were going pretty great until mid summer of this year.  Long story short he broke her heart into a million pieces and I was left to put them all back together again.  I went through a week of tears and the same sad song on repeat.  It was hard seeing her this way, but finally she got herself together. She claimed that she would never go back to him.  He was just going to be a friend.  She never goes back to a person once they have friend-zoned her.  I thought that it was a good idea and that he wasn’t worth her tears.  Fast forward a couple months later and they begin talking again.  Oh yeah….It was great.  My life from here on out becomes a high school drama show until I left the college for good.

Longer story short, they ended up together despite her finding out information on how he was going on dates with other girls after he broke the “lets just be friends” news to her and after receiving more info. and advice from a mutual friend.  He is basically a man whore (pardon my French) and I tried everything to warn her, but she ended up choosing him over everything. Including our friendship.  I was devastated and hurt.  Hurt being an understatement.

I remember wanting to have nothing to do with her. I was so angry, but I was fooled twice….so, shame on me.

About a week later, I decided to confront her about the issue (even though we lived together.  We didn’t really acknowledge each others existence after that).  Mind you, we are teenage girls who are extremely stubborn.  In the end, I told her how I felt and why I felt the way I did and she explained her side of the story.  I decided to forgive her, but also let her know that things would not be the same again.

About two days later he comes over to our apartment and I had to tell her after he left that it was awkward having him around and if she could warn me if he is about to come over again.

The following night she became pretty ill and had immense back/side pain.  She went to Urgent care the next morning and found the answers to her pain.  Although I was still kind of bitter about everything, I decided to help her out and set up a living arrangement in our living room and get her some soup for lunch.  That night, as I was sitting on my bed, she pokes her head in and says “oh Robin is here” and she shuts the bedroom door….. One hour goes by and I hadn’t eaten dinner yet and it’s about 12 a.m. on a weekday and I am getting pissed (not gonna lie).  I decided to text her and ask if he had left so I can make myself some dinner and she never replied.  I wait another 30 minutes and he is still there.  I leave the bedroom and confront them and then go back to my bed.  He didn’t end up leaving till almost 1 in the morning and I had a morning class that morning.  I was furious and could not believe that she would do this and ignore me after all I had just done for her.

That was it for me.  I finally came out of the room (she didn’t even tell me he left….) to go and get something to drink because by that time I wasn’t even hungry anymore and she said “Sorry….”, but before she could say anything more, I said, “I am really tired of you telling me you’re sorry.” And I walked away.  I personally do not see the point of telling someone they are sorry if they continue to do the same thing over and over again.

This all happened about a week before me leaving that college for good.

Silence filled our home for the next few days. And then I packed up and left.  I never felt so free and overwhelmed all at the same time.

Out of everything that had happened, I learned that I can never fully trust another human being.  Every person on this Earth will always let you down.  The only Being that will never let y0u down is God.

It was a difficult lesson to learn, but believe me….I learned it.

I have since decided to cut off this friendship. In the end, I know where her commitment and “love” truly lies….with a guy who broke her heart.

I think that I deserve more. But maybe that’s just me.

That’s all for today.

May God Bless and Watch Over YOU Always ❤

-Jen

M.I.A

Hello! I am back and hopefully I will get better at this whole blogging thing.  These past couple of months have been totally insane and I am sorry I have been M.I.A.  A lot of changes have happened and my life is a bit crazy at the moment.

Here is a snapshot of what has happened:

  • I have officially finished my last semester at APU and have decided to take a semester off and focus on myself and my family.  I hope to continue my college journey next fall.
  • I have experienced immense heartache and emotional pain.
  • I have lost and gained precious friendships.
  • My grandmother is about to move in with us due to her dementia.
  • I have decided to change my major.
  • My whole life has begun to change.

I have been so overwhelmed lately and since my last post, I have begun to see a new psychologist.  I cannot be more thankful for her.  I began to struggle with feelings of hopelessness and my depression began to spiral out of control again.  Thankfully I am feeling a lot better and have started to put the pieces of my life back together again.

I do not want to make this post too long because right now I have a lot to say and I want to save these thoughts for other posts in the near future.

I just wanted to say that I am sorry for not posting for months and thank you for continuing to follow my blog!

May God bless and watch over YOU always <3,

Jen