Hi, I’m Bi

If you have been following my blog for the past year, then you already know that i’m bisexual, but if you hadn’t been, well…now you know too 🙂

 

I am not shy about being bi (oh the rhymes, just embrace it). I am proud of who I am and I am definitely not ashamed in the least bit,however, it is always a weird situation for me when I date either sex.  Am I obligated to tell them about my sexuality?  Am I keeping a secret by not discussing it?

I always feel like I have to tell the person I am interested in or dating that I am Bi.  Am I the only one who feels like this?


BUT being bi is the least of my worries when it comes to dating.

Today was a rough day for me.  It was one of those days where I didn’t want to face life. I literally slept ALL day, but to give myself credit, I did leave my woman cave (men aren’t the only ones who get cool names for their dwellings) to go out in the world and have brunch with my family.

When I finally woke up and started my “night owl life”, I thought to myself…how could anyone love me AND my depression.  When I have my off days, I don’t want to talk to anyone or do anything.  Thankfully I do have friends that understand me on Xbox and are perfectly fine just playing games with me and not having to have a conversation.

My past relationships have been difficult and most of my significant others didn’t know that I struggle with depression and anxiety.  I mean, after 5 or so years of wearing a mask that portrays a bubbly and giggly Jen, most wouldn’t even peg me for having a mental illness.

Not only do I have off days of wanting to be a hermit, but I also have my wonderful brain that entraps me into a whirlwind of beautiful thoughts.

For example, some of these thoughts consist of,  “What if your significant other feels trapped with you, but feels too bad to say anything?” or “What if you’re just a rebound because you’re too nice and vulnerable?”, or my most favorite thought, “What if you are annoying them and they are going to get tired of you real soon?”

I feel like I am a hard person to love.  Lezbi honest,  I am needy (in the sense that I love human touch, eg:hugs and kisses, communication is super important to me, and I need validation that my person loves me for me), I am kinda crazy 🙂 , and I am my own individual who craves alone time….can you see how contradicting I am?!

I have a very strong personality, but when I love, I love deeply and vulnerably.  Some might say that I even wear my heart on my sleeve.  It’s a blessing and a curse.

This causes me to fill up the “bucket of life and love” for others, but leaves me feeling completely empty and drained.


I guess this all means that I haven’t found the right person to be with.  Hell, me being single is a fact that I haven’t found the right person haha.


 

I definitely don’t blame my bisexuality and depression/anxiety on my past relationships…in fact, I think it actually helps weed out the right person.  Anyone who can accept all my flaws is the person who deserves me.

Yes, these negative thoughts do wreak havoc when I am in a relationship, but it also makes me a little stronger each day of that relationship.

I know that no one is perfect and many have it way worse than I do.  But if you are one who struggles with life in general, just know that every day you wake up means that your time isn’t over yet and that you are meant to be breathing every breath you take.  I know getting up and out of the sanctuary of your room or what-have-you is a challenge in itself (along with breathing if you are person with asthma like myself 😉 heheh) but don’t forget that sometimes you owe it to yourself to just be.

Welp, I’m getting sleepy, so I am off to bed…..again….

May God bless and watch over YOU always ❤

-Jen

 

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Better Than This

I’d like to believe that I am better than my past mistakes, but sometimes I find myself repeating the same stupid mistakes like a ruthless, endless cycle.

Doubts get the best of me.

Worries get the best of me.

Loneliness gets the best of me.

Sadness gets the best of me.

Relentless thoughts get the best of me.

 

Since I have been out of college and work, I find myself being in my head A LOT.

I know this may sound similar to my previous posts, but it’s 2 am and I cannot sleep.

I have so many different emotions and thoughts flooding my brain like an endless waterfall.

I find myself sleeping and napping more than I should throughout a given day. I discovered that it is the only way for me to stop emotions and  reckless thoughts.  Napping has almost become a toxic habit.  I used to nap a lot in college due to my depression and stress. When I came home, I tried to fix this habit by working out and staying occupied and it worked for a while but I am finding myself falling back into what feels more “comfortable.”  It is easier to sleep and avoid the world than it is to live in it with my thoughts.  My bed has become a sanctuary for my restless mind and soul, but it has also become my kryptonite.

I literally feel like a zombie.

I try and create distractions by playing  Xbox with my friends and watching movies, but once my friends leave and my movies end, I find myself in the same position that I started in.  I feel empty and I crave attention.

As I re-read that last sentence, it makes me feel icky and horrible inside, but it’s true…Since I lost my girlfriend, I find myself trying to fill that void. The void that at once was filled with joy, self confidence, and love.  I know that there should never be a void in my life because I have God and Jesus, but I’m human and I falter with those holy relationships.

I know that I am beyond blessed and that I am loved by so many, including my Holy Father.

I guess I need to work on myself and learn to be happy with me, myself, and I.  I definitely know that it is easier said than done, especially with social media and apps making it easier to connect to strangers and have someone to constantly talk to.


Maybe I should write down promises to myself.  Promises to nurture my relationship with God, to not give in to the temptations of the world, to not use people for my own selfish reasons, to not wallow in self-pity, and to not lose myself and all that I am.


If there is one thing that I could wish for, other than world peace, it would be to go back to my childlike faith and mentality.  I wish I was mentally “pure” again.  I wish to have a hunger and desire for my God and to want to learn and be spiritually fed again.  I know some of these things are possible, I just need to work at it.

 

I know many individuals do not believe in religion or a higher being (and have probably checked out from this entry by now), but honestly, to me, I don’t know where I would be without the little faith I have left.  My faith and relationship with God has, at one point, been the only reason why I am alive today.

I hope to inspire some of you to get to know my Heavenly Father, because in all reality, He is your Heavenly Father too and already loves you so much.  If He can forgive me for everything I have done, their is no doubt in my mind that He wouldn’t forgive you as well.

May God bless and watch over YOU always ❤

-Jen

 

Onions?

What’s up!? I know I haven’t posted in a while (story of my life) but I thought I would make an entry today and just vent on everything that has happened in my life. Get ready because this is going to be a doozy! Also, hello to my new followers and welcome to my blog!!! 😀

So you may be thinking why this entry  is titled “Onions?”

 

onion

Well, I am here to explain that for you, you’re welcome 🙂

As you may know, onions have multiple layers.  They are great for making fire volcanoes if you work at a teppanyaki place and they are good for producing tears (I have digressed).

volcan

 

ANYWAYS, like onions, my life has many layers and everyday I find myself pulling back different layers and discovering new and unique chapters in my life.

The past few layers that I have peeled away contained a 4 month long relationship with my first girlfriend, reconnecting with old friends, and venturing through life through the eyes of someone with dementia.

Let’s start off with the whole relationship spiel.  It all happened around the middle of August 2015 when I met an amazing and beautiful girl through “HER” (an app for the LGBTQ community).  She was funny, charismatic, and down to earth.  Fast forward a few months later and we began to date and go through life together.  We would take turns driving out to see each other and even went to an Orlando Vigil together.  It felt very natural to be with her and I could care less about what the world around me thought about us when we held hands in public or kissed. Long story short, we wanted different things in life and we were about to venture into very complex transitions in our lives.  I have no ill intentions towards her and I am honestly thankful for the time we had spent together. I see every relationship as a personal growth experience and it also allows me to figure out what I want in a partner.


Reconnecting with old friends is pretty self-explanatory, but it’s so intriguing to see where everyone is going in life after high school. I know I have only been out of high school for about 2 years now, but within those 2 years, a lot has happened and changed for me and I know the same has happened to a plethora of my peers.  I have seen old classmates getting married, having their second child, and obtaining their degrees.  So crazy.


Lastly, we have the topic of dementia *sigh*. This is probably one of the harder topics to talk about for me.  January of this year, my grandma (my mom’s mom) came to live with us.  Due to the stressors in her life, her mind began to deteriorate and she developed dementia.  It has been a journey to say the least.  I have experienced her going through the different stages of her mentality from a stubborn child to an angry worn-out woman.  She doesn’t like to be told what to do and she doesn’t do anything to take care of herself physically or mentally.   With this being said, this whole transition has created a lot of stress and changes to my families life.

It has been hard to watch my mom struggle with her mom.  Their relationship isn’t the best and my grandmother doesn’t have a filter anymore which has brought a lot of strife between  them.  Not only has this move-in caused my moms health to falter a bit, but it has also brought back a lot of my anxiety.  I try to get out as much as I can and try to work out and drown myself in music or movies, but then I am ridden with guilt for not being home to help or give support. I feel like I am in a never ending horror movie.  Now I know that sounds horrible, but as each day goes by, I find myself having more and more animosity towards my grandma.  I am super close to my mom and seeing how hurtful my grandma is to her, it rips my heart out.  I would do anything for my mom, and to be honest, I am ready for my grandma to be out of our house.  I want our lives back.


I have been feeling super cloudy mentally and it has been hard adjusting to life and trying to not only adjust to situations at home but also personal changes in my own life.  I am in the midst of finding a job, getting my academic life back together, and just growing and changing in general.  There are periods where I feel so hopeless and lost, but then there are moments where I am at peace.  My mind is constantly riding a rollercoaster that has no intentions of stopping.

Sometimes the only thing I can do is wake up and fix my bed and then just sit there knowing that I have accomplished one thing in my day.  Other days I just lay in my unmade bed and contemplate life and what my purpose is. I let a few tears fall and then turn over to fallen into an endless sleep where I can no longer feel the feelings in my mind and body.  Sleeping is my off switch.

Yes, I feel discouraged knowing that I am not in school and don’t have a job yet, but at least I’m trying, right?

Don’t get me wrong though, I know how blessed I am with everything and everyone I have in my life and I know that there are millions who are in a worse off position than I am.


Lately I have been hanging out with my “brother” (super close friend of mine who is older by about 3 years than I am) and we both struggle with mental illness and a grandparent who has dementia.  We go on adventures together and it allows for us to just let go of our minds and be someone else.  It has been one of the things that has been keeping me together from just breaking down all over the place.

As I sit here typing on my laptop, I can’t help but think about my life, I feel so many mixed emotions. Every minute that passes, I am getting older and the world is forever revolving and everything is inevitable.  I know I can only control my actions and thoughts and believe me, the struggle is real!

I guess I can only pray that I make the best decisions for myself and to stay strong.

 

May God bless and watch over YOU always ❤

-Jen