What’s up!? I know I haven’t posted in a while (story of my life) but I thought I would make an entry today and just vent on everything that has happened in my life. Get ready because this is going to be a doozy! Also, hello to my new followers and welcome to my blog!!! 😀
So you may be thinking why this entry is titled “Onions?”
Well, I am here to explain that for you, you’re welcome 🙂
As you may know, onions have multiple layers. They are great for making fire volcanoes if you work at a teppanyaki place and they are good for producing tears (I have digressed).
ANYWAYS, like onions, my life has many layers and everyday I find myself pulling back different layers and discovering new and unique chapters in my life.
The past few layers that I have peeled away contained a 4 month long relationship with my first girlfriend, reconnecting with old friends, and venturing through life through the eyes of someone with dementia.
Let’s start off with the whole relationship spiel. It all happened around the middle of August 2015 when I met an amazing and beautiful girl through “HER” (an app for the LGBTQ community). She was funny, charismatic, and down to earth. Fast forward a few months later and we began to date and go through life together. We would take turns driving out to see each other and even went to an Orlando Vigil together. It felt very natural to be with her and I could care less about what the world around me thought about us when we held hands in public or kissed. Long story short, we wanted different things in life and we were about to venture into very complex transitions in our lives. I have no ill intentions towards her and I am honestly thankful for the time we had spent together. I see every relationship as a personal growth experience and it also allows me to figure out what I want in a partner.
Reconnecting with old friends is pretty self-explanatory, but it’s so intriguing to see where everyone is going in life after high school. I know I have only been out of high school for about 2 years now, but within those 2 years, a lot has happened and changed for me and I know the same has happened to a plethora of my peers. I have seen old classmates getting married, having their second child, and obtaining their degrees. So crazy.
Lastly, we have the topic of dementia *sigh*. This is probably one of the harder topics to talk about for me. January of this year, my grandma (my mom’s mom) came to live with us. Due to the stressors in her life, her mind began to deteriorate and she developed dementia. It has been a journey to say the least. I have experienced her going through the different stages of her mentality from a stubborn child to an angry worn-out woman. She doesn’t like to be told what to do and she doesn’t do anything to take care of herself physically or mentally. With this being said, this whole transition has created a lot of stress and changes to my families life.
It has been hard to watch my mom struggle with her mom. Their relationship isn’t the best and my grandmother doesn’t have a filter anymore which has brought a lot of strife between them. Not only has this move-in caused my moms health to falter a bit, but it has also brought back a lot of my anxiety. I try to get out as much as I can and try to work out and drown myself in music or movies, but then I am ridden with guilt for not being home to help or give support. I feel like I am in a never ending horror movie. Now I know that sounds horrible, but as each day goes by, I find myself having more and more animosity towards my grandma. I am super close to my mom and seeing how hurtful my grandma is to her, it rips my heart out. I would do anything for my mom, and to be honest, I am ready for my grandma to be out of our house. I want our lives back.
I have been feeling super cloudy mentally and it has been hard adjusting to life and trying to not only adjust to situations at home but also personal changes in my own life. I am in the midst of finding a job, getting my academic life back together, and just growing and changing in general. There are periods where I feel so hopeless and lost, but then there are moments where I am at peace. My mind is constantly riding a rollercoaster that has no intentions of stopping.
Sometimes the only thing I can do is wake up and fix my bed and then just sit there knowing that I have accomplished one thing in my day. Other days I just lay in my unmade bed and contemplate life and what my purpose is. I let a few tears fall and then turn over to fallen into an endless sleep where I can no longer feel the feelings in my mind and body. Sleeping is my off switch.
Yes, I feel discouraged knowing that I am not in school and don’t have a job yet, but at least I’m trying, right?
Don’t get me wrong though, I know how blessed I am with everything and everyone I have in my life and I know that there are millions who are in a worse off position than I am.
Lately I have been hanging out with my “brother” (super close friend of mine who is older by about 3 years than I am) and we both struggle with mental illness and a grandparent who has dementia. We go on adventures together and it allows for us to just let go of our minds and be someone else. It has been one of the things that has been keeping me together from just breaking down all over the place.
As I sit here typing on my laptop, I can’t help but think about my life, I feel so many mixed emotions. Every minute that passes, I am getting older and the world is forever revolving and everything is inevitable. I know I can only control my actions and thoughts and believe me, the struggle is real!
I guess I can only pray that I make the best decisions for myself and to stay strong.
May God bless and watch over YOU always ❤