If you have been following my blog for the past year, then you already know that i’m bisexual, but if you hadn’t been, well…now you know too 🙂
I am not shy about being bi (oh the rhymes, just embrace it). I am proud of who I am and I am definitely not ashamed in the least bit,however, it is always a weird situation for me when I date either sex. Am I obligated to tell them about my sexuality? Am I keeping a secret by not discussing it?
I always feel like I have to tell the person I am interested in or dating that I am Bi. Am I the only one who feels like this?
BUT being bi is the least of my worries when it comes to dating.
Today was a rough day for me. It was one of those days where I didn’t want to face life. I literally slept ALL day, but to give myself credit, I did leave my woman cave (men aren’t the only ones who get cool names for their dwellings) to go out in the world and have brunch with my family.
When I finally woke up and started my “night owl life”, I thought to myself…how could anyone love me AND my depression. When I have my off days, I don’t want to talk to anyone or do anything. Thankfully I do have friends that understand me on Xbox and are perfectly fine just playing games with me and not having to have a conversation.
My past relationships have been difficult and most of my significant others didn’t know that I struggle with depression and anxiety. I mean, after 5 or so years of wearing a mask that portrays a bubbly and giggly Jen, most wouldn’t even peg me for having a mental illness.
Not only do I have off days of wanting to be a hermit, but I also have my wonderful brain that entraps me into a whirlwind of beautiful thoughts.
For example, some of these thoughts consist of, “What if your significant other feels trapped with you, but feels too bad to say anything?” or “What if you’re just a rebound because you’re too nice and vulnerable?”, or my most favorite thought, “What if you are annoying them and they are going to get tired of you real soon?”
I feel like I am a hard person to love. Lezbi honest, I am needy (in the sense that I love human touch, eg:hugs and kisses, communication is super important to me, and I need validation that my person loves me for me), I am kinda crazy 🙂 , and I am my own individual who craves alone time….can you see how contradicting I am?!
I have a very strong personality, but when I love, I love deeply and vulnerably. Some might say that I even wear my heart on my sleeve. It’s a blessing and a curse.
This causes me to fill up the “bucket of life and love” for others, but leaves me feeling completely empty and drained.
I guess this all means that I haven’t found the right person to be with. Hell, me being single is a fact that I haven’t found the right person haha.
I definitely don’t blame my bisexuality and depression/anxiety on my past relationships…in fact, I think it actually helps weed out the right person. Anyone who can accept all my flaws is the person who deserves me.
Yes, these negative thoughts do wreak havoc when I am in a relationship, but it also makes me a little stronger each day of that relationship.
I know that no one is perfect and many have it way worse than I do. But if you are one who struggles with life in general, just know that every day you wake up means that your time isn’t over yet and that you are meant to be breathing every breath you take. I know getting up and out of the sanctuary of your room or what-have-you is a challenge in itself (along with breathing if you are person with asthma like myself 😉 heheh) but don’t forget that sometimes you owe it to yourself to just be.
Welp, I’m getting sleepy, so I am off to bed…..again….
May God bless and watch over YOU always ❤