Hi….Is That So Hard?

Okayyy time for a salty rant.

My absolute pet peeve is when people do not reply to me.

I understand that people get busy sometimes, but how hard is it to send a simple message saying “Hey! Sorry, I’m busy right now”?????

ALSO, if you tell me that you are interested in me, do not ignore me, especially if you have read receipt on.  If you find that I’m not the right person for you, I’d rather you tell me than be a complete fucker and ghost me.  I’m done dealing with childish individuals.  I need a REAL man or woman in my life who will respect me and give me the same amount of affection that I give.

I over think everything in my life enough, I don’t need a person making it more complicated by giving me mixed signals or just being a complete ass.

*sigh*

May God bless and watch over YOU always

Jen ❤

 

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My Incessant Battle

There goes another minute of my life…..another face passing me by…..another feeling I can’t deny.

Depression…God I hate that word….I hate the people that use it interchangeably with the feeling of sadness…I hate the stigma that surrounds it….I hate the feeling of being bounded.

Depression isn’t just sadness, it’s the feeling of hopelessness all around you, it’s the feeling of not being able to stop the suicidal thoughts without the consequences to stop you, it’s the feeling of heaviness upon your chest that suffocates you and leaves you voiceless.

Depression is an incessant battle that I face everyday of my life.

Some days are better than others, but sometimes there are weeks or months that seem like I will forever remain in the black hole that holds all my regrets and the feeling of despair.

It causes me to never want to love again. It causes me to feel like a burden to every one of my friends; so I hide. I hide away the feeling I feel inside me. I put on the fake smile and force out fake laughs. I manage to pull out words from the very pit of my being so no questions how I’m feeling.

Ugh, love. I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to love anymore. I don’t want to give anymore of my broken and stitched up heart.  I want to put a chain around it and throw away the key meant to unbound it.

I’m done and tired of feeling used. I’m tired of friendships that become fake and bruised. I’m tired of pushing everyone away so why not make it so I have no one to push away?

I’m tired and worn. I’m also sick and tired of eating my feelings away without caring in the moment and then wanting to purge and cry afterwards.  I am in the state of hating what I see in the mirror. Doubting who I am and the person I want to become.  I just need a day to not see or talk to anyone. I just want to disappear. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and rip away at the skin underneath my clothes….

I just need sleep. A time to breathe. A time to feel pure bliss.


I really needed to vent today. I’m sorry that things turned dark real fast. I’m just having one of those weeks and it doesn’t help that I am amongst finals for college right now.

If anyone happens to feel or have felt the way that I do, please feel free to like this post and if you’re brave enough, comment below. You’re obviously not alone.

May God Bless and Watch Over YOU Always ❤

-Jen

I’ve Found a Life

I’ve found a life that has been waiting for me.

I’ve found a key that was planted underground, beneath the trees.

The key, however is only a tool. A minute piece to the puzzle that leads to the truth.

Now I must find where the key fits and unlock the secrets that for now, will remain as myths.


Hello everyone!

So I am aware that my last couple of posts have been a little heavy, but I am here to tell you all that everything is okay.  Sometimes life gets us down and I have been dealing with (what seems like) a never ending battle!

Between school, relationships, and family matters, I feel like my head has not stopped spinning since the middle of April. These past few weeks have been absolutely INSANE. Luckily,  I have managed to keep my head above the water.

I have realized that I have an amazing support system and many people who love and care about me.

One person in particular is a woman I met in my ASL class.  She is the sweetest and most amazing women (other than my mom) that I have ever met.  She has been an absolute blessing in my life and has ultimately become one of my best friends ❤ Not only does she open her house up to me, but she also opens up her heart and arms that provide a warm embrace.  She is also a hoot and a half 🙂


I am now in my last two weeks of the spring semester and my classes have gone from 0-100 real quick. I also have Jill’s House to do this weekend. Pray for me!

Once finals end, I have about a week and a half before my 8 week summer course starts and then a couple weeks after, my 6 week course starts.  All in all, I will have a total of three and a half weeks of summer…..woohoo?  (If I didn’t hate my community college so much, I wouldn’t have done this to myself).

Anyways, despite life being crazy, I have learned to just take a deep breath and keep on going.

I have also fully learned that people will always let you down and that the only beings you can rely on is God (if you’re religious) and in my case, my mother as well.  I am always in the process of trying to figure out how to balance different relationships in my life and to not give my heart completely.  It’s time that I start to really protect myself and as sad as it may seem, it is also time for me to lock up my heart for a bit.


Thank you to everyone who continues to read my blogs! I appreciate you all!

 

May God Bless and watch over YOU always ❤

Jen