There goes another minute of my life…..another face passing me by…..another feeling I can’t deny.
Depression…God I hate that word….I hate the people that use it interchangeably with the feeling of sadness…I hate the stigma that surrounds it….I hate the feeling of being bounded.
Depression isn’t just sadness, it’s the feeling of hopelessness all around you, it’s the feeling of not being able to stop the suicidal thoughts without the consequences to stop you, it’s the feeling of heaviness upon your chest that suffocates you and leaves you voiceless.
Depression is an incessant battle that I face everyday of my life.
Some days are better than others, but sometimes there are weeks or months that seem like I will forever remain in the black hole that holds all my regrets and the feeling of despair.
It causes me to never want to love again. It causes me to feel like a burden to every one of my friends; so I hide. I hide away the feeling I feel inside me. I put on the fake smile and force out fake laughs. I manage to pull out words from the very pit of my being so no questions how I’m feeling.
Ugh, love. I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to love anymore. I don’t want to give anymore of my broken and stitched up heart. I want to put a chain around it and throw away the key meant to unbound it.
I’m done and tired of feeling used. I’m tired of friendships that become fake and bruised. I’m tired of pushing everyone away so why not make it so I have no one to push away?
I’m tired and worn. I’m also sick and tired of eating my feelings away without caring in the moment and then wanting to purge and cry afterwards. I am in the state of hating what I see in the mirror. Doubting who I am and the person I want to become. I just need a day to not see or talk to anyone. I just want to disappear. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and rip away at the skin underneath my clothes….
I just need sleep. A time to breathe. A time to feel pure bliss.
I really needed to vent today. I’m sorry that things turned dark real fast. I’m just having one of those weeks and it doesn’t help that I am amongst finals for college right now.
If anyone happens to feel or have felt the way that I do, please feel free to like this post and if you’re brave enough, comment below. You’re obviously not alone.
May God Bless and Watch Over YOU Always ❤