Why?

Why do you stick around? Why do you love me? Why can’t I stop sabotaging my relationships with others?

Why can’t I just be normal?


There you go again… creating burdens where there were none.  Building up walls with the ones you love.  Pushing away the one person who could be the one.  But do you really mean it? Or do you just need help? You’re feeling trapped again…stuck in a rut that you can’t get out of. You feel like running in every direction with no intention of stopping, but why?

Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind.

I should be happy. I should be grateful. But instead here I am in tears… not knowing why I can’t properly talk to my boyfriend or express how I feel to my caring and worried mother.  Is it because I don’t know how to put what I’m feeling into words?  Is it because I feel upset, sad, anxious, and done without a proper explanation as to why I feel these things?

All I know is that I’m hurting people around me and I feel like I’d be better off alone.  I don’t want to be a burden to anybody but myself.

Why do you love me? Why do you stay with me? I know one day I’ll tell you about this space that I have made my own, but what will you think of me? Will you stay? Can you really accept my unhinged mind?  I tried to let you see what I’m capable of; how I can hurt without feeling remorse because in my head I’d feel as if you’d be better off without me.

Why?

I don’t know.

But I do know that I’m tired and worn.  I’m tired of being weary. I’m tired of tears. I’m tired of not being able to find myself and who I was. I feel as if all the sleep in the world wouldn’t suffice.

-Jen

 

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