Better Than This

I’d like to believe that I am better than my past mistakes, but sometimes I find myself repeating the same stupid mistakes like a ruthless, endless cycle.

Doubts get the best of me.

Worries get the best of me.

Loneliness gets the best of me.

Sadness gets the best of me.

Relentless thoughts get the best of me.

 

Since I have been out of college and work, I find myself being in my head A LOT.

I know this may sound similar to my previous posts, but it’s 2 am and I cannot sleep.

I have so many different emotions and thoughts flooding my brain like an endless waterfall.

I find myself sleeping and napping more than I should throughout a given day. I discovered that it is the only way for me to stop emotions and  reckless thoughts.  Napping has almost become a toxic habit.  I used to nap a lot in college due to my depression and stress. When I came home, I tried to fix this habit by working out and staying occupied and it worked for a while but I am finding myself falling back into what feels more “comfortable.”  It is easier to sleep and avoid the world than it is to live in it with my thoughts.  My bed has become a sanctuary for my restless mind and soul, but it has also become my kryptonite.

I literally feel like a zombie.

I try and create distractions by playing  Xbox with my friends and watching movies, but once my friends leave and my movies end, I find myself in the same position that I started in.  I feel empty and I crave attention.

As I re-read that last sentence, it makes me feel icky and horrible inside, but it’s true…Since I lost my girlfriend, I find myself trying to fill that void. The void that at once was filled with joy, self confidence, and love.  I know that there should never be a void in my life because I have God and Jesus, but I’m human and I falter with those holy relationships.

I know that I am beyond blessed and that I am loved by so many, including my Holy Father.

I guess I need to work on myself and learn to be happy with me, myself, and I.  I definitely know that it is easier said than done, especially with social media and apps making it easier to connect to strangers and have someone to constantly talk to.


Maybe I should write down promises to myself.  Promises to nurture my relationship with God, to not give in to the temptations of the world, to not use people for my own selfish reasons, to not wallow in self-pity, and to not lose myself and all that I am.


If there is one thing that I could wish for, other than world peace, it would be to go back to my childlike faith and mentality.  I wish I was mentally “pure” again.  I wish to have a hunger and desire for my God and to want to learn and be spiritually fed again.  I know some of these things are possible, I just need to work at it.

 

I know many individuals do not believe in religion or a higher being (and have probably checked out from this entry by now), but honestly, to me, I don’t know where I would be without the little faith I have left.  My faith and relationship with God has, at one point, been the only reason why I am alive today.

I hope to inspire some of you to get to know my Heavenly Father, because in all reality, He is your Heavenly Father too and already loves you so much.  If He can forgive me for everything I have done, their is no doubt in my mind that He wouldn’t forgive you as well.

May God bless and watch over YOU always ❤

-Jen

 

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Onions?

What’s up!? I know I haven’t posted in a while (story of my life) but I thought I would make an entry today and just vent on everything that has happened in my life. Get ready because this is going to be a doozy! Also, hello to my new followers and welcome to my blog!!! 😀

So you may be thinking why this entry  is titled “Onions?”

 

onion

Well, I am here to explain that for you, you’re welcome 🙂

As you may know, onions have multiple layers.  They are great for making fire volcanoes if you work at a teppanyaki place and they are good for producing tears (I have digressed).

volcan

 

ANYWAYS, like onions, my life has many layers and everyday I find myself pulling back different layers and discovering new and unique chapters in my life.

The past few layers that I have peeled away contained a 4 month long relationship with my first girlfriend, reconnecting with old friends, and venturing through life through the eyes of someone with dementia.

Let’s start off with the whole relationship spiel.  It all happened around the middle of August 2015 when I met an amazing and beautiful girl through “HER” (an app for the LGBTQ community).  She was funny, charismatic, and down to earth.  Fast forward a few months later and we began to date and go through life together.  We would take turns driving out to see each other and even went to an Orlando Vigil together.  It felt very natural to be with her and I could care less about what the world around me thought about us when we held hands in public or kissed. Long story short, we wanted different things in life and we were about to venture into very complex transitions in our lives.  I have no ill intentions towards her and I am honestly thankful for the time we had spent together. I see every relationship as a personal growth experience and it also allows me to figure out what I want in a partner.


Reconnecting with old friends is pretty self-explanatory, but it’s so intriguing to see where everyone is going in life after high school. I know I have only been out of high school for about 2 years now, but within those 2 years, a lot has happened and changed for me and I know the same has happened to a plethora of my peers.  I have seen old classmates getting married, having their second child, and obtaining their degrees.  So crazy.


Lastly, we have the topic of dementia *sigh*. This is probably one of the harder topics to talk about for me.  January of this year, my grandma (my mom’s mom) came to live with us.  Due to the stressors in her life, her mind began to deteriorate and she developed dementia.  It has been a journey to say the least.  I have experienced her going through the different stages of her mentality from a stubborn child to an angry worn-out woman.  She doesn’t like to be told what to do and she doesn’t do anything to take care of herself physically or mentally.   With this being said, this whole transition has created a lot of stress and changes to my families life.

It has been hard to watch my mom struggle with her mom.  Their relationship isn’t the best and my grandmother doesn’t have a filter anymore which has brought a lot of strife between  them.  Not only has this move-in caused my moms health to falter a bit, but it has also brought back a lot of my anxiety.  I try to get out as much as I can and try to work out and drown myself in music or movies, but then I am ridden with guilt for not being home to help or give support. I feel like I am in a never ending horror movie.  Now I know that sounds horrible, but as each day goes by, I find myself having more and more animosity towards my grandma.  I am super close to my mom and seeing how hurtful my grandma is to her, it rips my heart out.  I would do anything for my mom, and to be honest, I am ready for my grandma to be out of our house.  I want our lives back.


I have been feeling super cloudy mentally and it has been hard adjusting to life and trying to not only adjust to situations at home but also personal changes in my own life.  I am in the midst of finding a job, getting my academic life back together, and just growing and changing in general.  There are periods where I feel so hopeless and lost, but then there are moments where I am at peace.  My mind is constantly riding a rollercoaster that has no intentions of stopping.

Sometimes the only thing I can do is wake up and fix my bed and then just sit there knowing that I have accomplished one thing in my day.  Other days I just lay in my unmade bed and contemplate life and what my purpose is. I let a few tears fall and then turn over to fallen into an endless sleep where I can no longer feel the feelings in my mind and body.  Sleeping is my off switch.

Yes, I feel discouraged knowing that I am not in school and don’t have a job yet, but at least I’m trying, right?

Don’t get me wrong though, I know how blessed I am with everything and everyone I have in my life and I know that there are millions who are in a worse off position than I am.


Lately I have been hanging out with my “brother” (super close friend of mine who is older by about 3 years than I am) and we both struggle with mental illness and a grandparent who has dementia.  We go on adventures together and it allows for us to just let go of our minds and be someone else.  It has been one of the things that has been keeping me together from just breaking down all over the place.

As I sit here typing on my laptop, I can’t help but think about my life, I feel so many mixed emotions. Every minute that passes, I am getting older and the world is forever revolving and everything is inevitable.  I know I can only control my actions and thoughts and believe me, the struggle is real!

I guess I can only pray that I make the best decisions for myself and to stay strong.

 

May God bless and watch over YOU always ❤

-Jen

 

 

 

 

 

 

Disconnected

disconnected

Disconnected:
  • (of a person) lacking contact with reality.

Lacking. Contact. With. Reality.

Not only do I feel like I have lost contact with reality, but I feel as if I have lost contact with myself.  I feel like my mind has been completely disconnected from my body.  My mind feels as if it is a thousand miles from the reality that my body continues to live in.

I am physically here on this Earth, but mentally, I am on my own planet.

This planet is desolate. This planet is confusing and chaotic. This planet does not have air to breathe but it has a million questions, doubts, and incoherent sentences filling every bit of space.

My body continues to try and survive in the real world while my mind wanders this desolate planet.
I hope they reunite soon for this feeling is uncanny and exhausting.
-Jen

1 Year Anniversary

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Hello! 🙂

I cannot believe that it has been one year since I started this blog!!!!!

I was so nervous to put my stories and thoughts out into the world, but looking back, I am so happy and grateful that I stirred up the courage to create this personal space where people from around the world can journey through this rollercoaster called life with me.

So today I thought I would update my “bio”.  I happened to read my first blog post and noticed that a lot has changed since then.

I am now 20 years young and I am no longer pursuing a degree in psychology.  I have also taken a gap year from college and have permanently left, what I thought at the time, my “dream school.” I am planning on continuing my education through a junior college next spring to finish my GE and then work towards getting my teaching credential that specializes in Special Needs Education.

I have recognized that I have a very big heart for these individuals.  I have worked with Special Needs Children for the past year and a half and I absolutely love it.  I am also planning on doing an Internship within the next year or two with an organization known as Jill’s House.


My hope is to continue to grow this blog and help others through my stories.

Thank you so much for following me and commenting on my posts.  You are all so awesome and I am grateful for each and every one of you ❤

May God Bless and watch over YOU always ❤

-Jen ❤

I Let Him Go

 

letting-go

I am no longer a prisoner.

I am free from the toxicity that drenched my soul.

I let him go.

I let him go to free my soul from delusions and chaos that would flood my entire being.

I let him go so that I may finally move on from the guilt and the anger and the confusion.

I let him go so that I may find my true soul. The soul that belonged to me from birth. The soul that was pure and untouched by the lies of this world.

I let him go so that I could be free.

-Jen

May God bless and watch over YOU always ❤

(pic is not mine)

4/20

No, this post is not about blazin up or drugs.  This post is about my first major car accident.

It has been about 3 and a half weeks since the accident.

That accident changed my life.

4/20/2016 10:20 am

I am on my way to Nekter Juice Bar to get some Acai bowls for me and my family.  I decided to bring my sister along for the journey.

10:40am

We reached Nekter and it was so busy that we decided to just pick up breakfast from another place, but first, my sister and I went into a Trader Joe’s that was right next door.  We walked around and bought a couple things before leaving.

10:55am

As we left Trader Joe’s, there was a lot of traffic within the mini shopping center and I remember thinking to myself (after I road raged for a bit), “Jenni, just be grateful you have a car to get around in. You’ll get out of this shopping center soon.”

11:05am

Finally got out of the parking lot and waiting in more traffic to get on the freeway.

11:15am

My spidey senses began to tingle. As I sat in my car conversing with my sister, I felt that something bad was going to happen and sure enough, a millisecond after my feeling I feel a massive impact and hear the worst noise ever.  My head hit against the headrest and as I pressed hard on my break, I felt my car hit the car in front of me.

All I remember is hearing my sister yell, “OH SH*T” and the crunching sound of my car.

I sat in my seat in utter shock and began to cry hysterically.  I actually stopped breathing for a moment that felt like hours.

If it wasn’t for my sister, I probably would have passed out completely.

This ended up being a 4 car accident and  a complete nightmare.

My first car, that used to be my grandpa’s car, was totaled and my mental state was stricken with even more anxiety.

I did not go near or into a car for about 3 days, until I had to in order to see family. I was almost about to give that trip up due to my anxiety, but thankfully I was blessed with an amazing girlfriend who helped me through my anxiety and texted me through my first car ride.

I am currently driving again, but not very long distances and have been going to chiropractic therapy three times a week.  I am soon going to be seeing a psychologist to help with my anxiety and depression again.

Although I still get massive anxiety when I step into a car, I have been trying to remind myself about the grace and protection that God can provide.  It has been an uphill struggle since the accident and my depression has worsened a bit since then, but I have to keep reminding myself about the goodness of my Holy Father and pursue a life worth living.

I am not going to lie, there are A LOT of days in which I just lay in bed and sleep because it feel as if my whole body in under 1000 pounds. Some days I get more irritable quicker and since the accident I have hurt some of the people I love. It’s hard. It’s a challenge. But at the end of the day I have to stare at myself in the mirror and wonder about my purpose that I have on this earth and to stay strong in order to find out my purpose for living and surviving as long as I have.

Anyways, may God bless and watch over YOU always ❤ I love you all

-Jen ❤

He Held My Heart In His Hand

November 2015

There I was, sitting in my apartment clicking as fast as I could trying to secure myself to tickets to Justin Bieber’s Purpose World Tour.  This is it, I thought to myself. I was finally able to get in the queue after 5-10 minutes of clicking and refreshing to get tickets.  I ended up securing 1 floor seat to his concert in LA at the Staples Center…During this time, my mom was also trying to secure tickets just in case I was not able to.

I called my mom seconds later elated that I got a floor ticket and she was quiet on the other end. I remember her saying “Pooky….guess what?” in a very soft voice.

“What?” I responded.

“Guess who is meeting Justin Bieber March 29th in San Diego?” she says.

“NO WAY, WHAT?!?!?!? IS THIS A JOKE????”

“No baby, somehow I got put into a queue with this ticket and I went for it!”

I literally sat there in my apartment in shock….I couldn’t believe that after 8 years I was finally going to meet Justin Drew Bieber.

I have been a belieber since before he became famous and his songs and tweets have gotten me through some really tough situations in my life.

Fast forward 4 months later, just one week before the show, I read his Instagram post saying that he was going to be canceling the rest of his meet and greets.

Not going to lie, tears were definitely shed, but not for the reason most people would think.  I knew that he had been going through a lot the past year, year and a half.  I knew that his mental state must be seriously  suffering for him to cancel all the meet and greets.  I knew deep down that he would not just end everything if it wasn’t something serious.

Plus, I would rather lose the chance to meet him through a meet and greet than him losing his life.

I personally suffer from depression and know how much of an impact it can make on anyone’s life.  Somedays you don’t even feel like speaking to those you love nonetheless having to perform for thousands of people and meeting hundreds of fans face to face.

The day of the concert I found out that my seat was in the Pit section of the venue….I almost died. Justin was going to be INCHES away from me.

When the concert started, I was in complete awe of his performance.  I could see the lines of his palms, the beads of sweat coming down his face, and as weird as this sounds I could even see his little leg hairs.

It was so surreal….

During his song “Life is Worth Living”, Justin laid down on the edge of the stage. This was it, this was my chance to touch his hand.  Three or four girls were hanging onto his left hand and I reached as far as I could and I managed to hold onto his thumb.

When I was holding onto is thumb I began to softly stroke/rub it and he looked right at me when I had done it.

WE LOCKED EYES and we exchanged sincere looks to each other.

THEN HE GRABBED MY HAND.

I HELD HIS RIGHT HAND AND HAD IT ALL TO MYSELF.  I didn’t freak out, I didn’t scream, I just looked at him with admiration.

He gripped my hand and held onto me tightly and I did the same.  His grip wasn’t too hard or soft and his hand fit perfectly into mine.

Once he got up and continued to perform the rest of the song, I completely broke down.

I could feel that something wasn’t right with him and I noticed that during his performance, his eyes seemed empty.  He was just going through the motions, but when I locked eyes with him, I saw something more and I could feel it.

Although I wasn’t able to meet him and hug him, just holding his hand impacted me in such a powerful way and I am even more determined to meet him and hug him in the future.

He has been such a huge inspiration in my life and although to him I am just another crazed fan, I hope that one day I can express how much he really means to me.

jb life

My hand is seen on the left of the photos.  I was wearing the shiny silver charmed and purple stringing bracelet.  It is so hard for me to find a good quality video or picture of this moment.

If you ever come across this post Justin. I just want to say thank you. Thank you for always giving it your all and for never giving up. I will never leave you. I will ALWAYS be a belieber. You mean so much to me and I know that you are just a human like the rest of us, but you have impacted my life in a way very few have. May God Bless you ❤

 

May God bless and watch over YOU always ❤

-Jen

 

 

Making Peace With My Past

I am the type of person who holds onto a lot.

Whether they may be good memories or bad ones.

I always try my hardest to look past the bad memories or dissect that memory and see what made that memory a bad one.  I think about the individuals involved and my own actions that made an impact or a difference in the situation.

I am not perfect.

I make stupid mistakes all the time and some mistakes have not only changed my life but the lives of others.

The memories that I hold and the mistakes that I make tend to hit me like a ton of bricks when I least expect them to and it lingers around in whatever space I have left in my mind.

Some memories tear me a part inside because deep down only I know what happened during that time and no one else would ever understand the emotions, actions, and words that were involved.

Sometimes I feel like I live two different lives and I hate it. Lately I have been trying to make peace with my past and my mistakes.  I am trying to piece together a life that I can be proud of and be able to own up to all my actions and decisions.  I can only do the best that I can with this one life that I have.

Now I know my New Year’s Resolution was to not live in the past and dwell on it, but this is a me  that is trying to heal and cope with all of it.  I am facing it head on and finally being ok with it. Making peace with my decisions and actions, personally, is the best remedy.

My goal is to not be afraid of my past and not let it hold me down.  I personally feel like the only way that can happen is if I make peace with it.  I guess we will see how well that goes….

May God bless and watch over YOU always ❤

-Jen

 

Love?

Oh Valentine’s Day, aka Single Awareness Day…….

broken

I can honestly say that I have never had a serious valentine before.

I do not feel sad about it, but rather indifferent.

I am happy for those who have someone special to cherish on this “love filled” day.

Do I sometimes wish that I had someone special? Well…. yes… and I am sure everyone who lives the singe pringle life feels this longing for attention and affection sometime or another as well.

BUT………

I long for the type of love that is completely faithful and truthful.  I long for someone who will look at me in that indescribable way. I long for someone who makes me feel safe and at ease. I long for that person that I can say is my soulmate.

I don’t want to settle for less. I don’t want to just put myself out there and be used by useless men or women. I won’t let myself be treated like a side chick or some toy.

Yes, I am ok being single. No, I won’t sacrifice my singleness for some one night stand or temporary pleasure (been there done that).

Being single has let me discover the true treasures that lie within me. Treasures that consist of strength,courage, and wisdom.

It has also opened my eyes to the true beauty of real and genuine friendships.

I have one friend in particular who I have grown really close to these past few months. Our friendship is indescribable and unique.  We tell each other that we love each other and have cuddled while watching Netflix, but there is no pressure to be something I am not or do something that goes against my personal boundaries.  This friendship has shown me that I can feel affection in a different way….. in a non pressuring and non stressful way. And for that, I am truly grateful.

Anyways, I do hope that one day God will show me who my future husband or wife is and I hope to create a family and a loving home, but for now, I am pretty content being a single pringle.

pring

So if you don’t have a significant other, join me and every other single pringle 🙂

And remember, it’s okay to mingle….

If you so choose, but choose wisely!

 

May God bless and watch over YOU always ❤

-Jen

 

 

Blow Out!

My day started like any other day, until I got in my car and drove to work.

About 15 minutes into driving I noticed a weird sound coming from outside my vehicle…I thought it was a souped up car with a loud engine.  I looked in all my mirrors and saw only one car near me (since I was in the fast lane) and this car looked like a nicer version of a minivan.  I continued driving and the sound continued to get even louder!

I turned my head to the right and noticed that the driver of the minivan had his head sticking out and his left arm was waving in the air.  When I made eye contact with him, he starting pointing to my car repeatedly.

Side note: This man sped up just to get my attention and risked his own life by sticking his body outside his car to warn me of my unnoticed unfortunate event.  If it wasn’t for this unknown man, I could have wrecked the rim of my car tire or could have caused damage to others around me due to tire shrapnel.

When I noticed the man I quickly merged off to the left hand median since it was right next to me and I did not know what else to do and put on my hazard lights.

With my hands shaking, I managed to pull out my phone from my purse and called my father, triple A, and then my boss.

When I called AAA a woman answered my call and helped me. I could tell that she could tell I was shaken up due to my quivering voice.

I couldn’t think straight and was stumbling across my words.  The woman was so patient with me and when she later verified that my brother was coming to get me she said “Okay, great! Do you want me to stay on the line with you until he or the tow truck gets to you?”  This question caught me off-guard and I noticed myself smiling through the verge of tears and said, “No, it’s okay, but thank you sooo much. I really appreciate it, but my dad asked for me to call him back.”  She politely responded by telling me that she totally understood and that she would not have mind if I wanted her to stay on the line with me and said that it would have been her pleasure.  After a lot more “thank yous” we hung up and I proceeded to call my dad.

 

Complete strangers made and saved my day.

My car incident could have been so much worse had it not been for the man that flagged me down and my anxiety could have been through the sky and to stars had it not been for the lady helping me from AAA.

Strangers make a difference. We can make a difference.

I wish I could thank the man like I was able to thank the kind employee that helped me on the phone.

Needless to say, I made it to work safely by the grace of God and my brother’s willingness to drive out to me and swap cars.

Today was an eventful day for me and it definitely shook me up, but I am so thankful for the strangers that made it so much more comforting. Faith in humanity was definitely restored for me.

I learned that every person in this entire world, including You and Me, can either make a positive or negative impact in someone’s life, without even fulling knowing it.  I’m sure the man in the minivan doesn’t know how appreciative and grateful I was/am for him and his actions.

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My poor tire 😦

 

That is all for today.

Be aware of your surroundings and actions. Love strangers. Live life to the fullest. And may God bless and watch over YOU always ❤

-Jen