It Hurts To Breathe

As soon as those bombs, that you call words dropped, my heart dropped to.

Every breath felt like I was dying,

I’d rather be asleep than awake to face the ache in my chest.

I feel lost.

I feel agony.

I thought that I was okay and deep down I know I will be, but every minute without you seems like an eternity in hell.

I understand your situation and how you feel, but I don’t understand the promises that you made to me or the ones you made me make to you.

I’d rather feel nothing than feel everything.

It hurts to breathe.

I lost the other half of me. The half that taught me how to love again. The half that consoled me and was there for me 24/7. The half that I thought I’d never lose. The half that made me love life a little bit more again.

I was the love of your life…and you were mine.

But I get it. I understand. I’m just hurt and trying my hardest to let this all mend.

Was I a fool to fall in love? To create these fantasies in my head that now haunt me in my sleep?

Despite the answer….I know that I’d rather sleep than be awake. My dreams that haunt me are better than reality because in those dreams, it doesn’t hurt to breathe.

 

-Jen

 

 

Better Than This

I’d like to believe that I am better than my past mistakes, but sometimes I find myself repeating the same stupid mistakes like a ruthless, endless cycle.

Doubts get the best of me.

Worries get the best of me.

Loneliness gets the best of me.

Sadness gets the best of me.

Relentless thoughts get the best of me.

 

Since I have been out of college and work, I find myself being in my head A LOT.

I know this may sound similar to my previous posts, but it’s 2 am and I cannot sleep.

I have so many different emotions and thoughts flooding my brain like an endless waterfall.

I find myself sleeping and napping more than I should throughout a given day. I discovered that it is the only way for me to stop emotions and  reckless thoughts.  Napping has almost become a toxic habit.  I used to nap a lot in college due to my depression and stress. When I came home, I tried to fix this habit by working out and staying occupied and it worked for a while but I am finding myself falling back into what feels more “comfortable.”  It is easier to sleep and avoid the world than it is to live in it with my thoughts.  My bed has become a sanctuary for my restless mind and soul, but it has also become my kryptonite.

I literally feel like a zombie.

I try and create distractions by playing  Xbox with my friends and watching movies, but once my friends leave and my movies end, I find myself in the same position that I started in.  I feel empty and I crave attention.

As I re-read that last sentence, it makes me feel icky and horrible inside, but it’s true…Since I lost my girlfriend, I find myself trying to fill that void. The void that at once was filled with joy, self confidence, and love.  I know that there should never be a void in my life because I have God and Jesus, but I’m human and I falter with those holy relationships.

I know that I am beyond blessed and that I am loved by so many, including my Holy Father.

I guess I need to work on myself and learn to be happy with me, myself, and I.  I definitely know that it is easier said than done, especially with social media and apps making it easier to connect to strangers and have someone to constantly talk to.

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Maybe I should write down promises to myself.  Promises to nurture my relationship with God, to not give in to the temptations of the world, to not use people for my own selfish reasons, to not wallow in self-pity, and to not lose myself and all that I am.

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If there is one thing that I could wish for, other than world peace, it would be to go back to my childlike faith and mentality.  I wish I was mentally “pure” again.  I wish to have a hunger and desire for my God and to want to learn and be spiritually fed again.  I know some of these things are possible, I just need to work at it.

 

I know many individuals do not believe in religion or a higher being (and have probably checked out from this entry by now), but honestly, to me, I don’t know where I would be without the little faith I have left.  My faith and relationship with God has, at one point, been the only reason why I am alive today.

I hope to inspire some of you to get to know my Heavenly Father, because in all reality, He is your Heavenly Father too and already loves you so much.  If He can forgive me for everything I have done, their is no doubt in my mind that He wouldn’t forgive you as well.

May God bless and watch over YOU always ❤

-Jen